The Shape of Sidon
by Heroofhirule
Summary: When Zelda decides to grow a beard his life changes forever...
1. Chapter 1

When the entire forest was woken up at the ass-crack of dawn, everyone expected it to be because of the tallest resident of their quiet suburbia. For once, though, Zelda wasn't to blame. He was just as pissed off as everyone else. Especially when the culprit, a giant tawny owl, perched itself on his window and began hooting repeatedly.

"Zelda," the owl hooted, somehow able to speak perfect English despite no other animal having that ability in Hirule. "The Princess needs you."

"Oh sod off," Zelda groaned, rolling over and pulling his pillow over his head in one swift movement.

The owl ignored him. The son-of-a-bitch hooted again.

"Princess Peach has been kidnapped again. She needs a hero."

"Well she can goddamn find another one," Zelda said, briefly rolling over again to stare at the owl. "Frankly, I'm too busy for this."

The owl hooted indignantly. "Would you like to hear what I said again?" it asked, as if that was the only explanation for why Zelda was refusing the quest.

"No I bloody wouldn't."

Zelda groped sleepily at the side table until his fingers clasped around something. It was a jar with a pink fairy in it. Good enough.

He tossed it at the owl, earning another pissed off hoot. The owl ruffled his feathers, gave Zelda a look of disgust and then took off into the sky to find somebody else to do his dirty work.

"Finally," Zelda groaned, face-planting the pillow. He was snoring loudly within minutes.

He dreamed of fishes….


	2. Chapter 2

Hours later, when Zelda finally got up for the day, he briefly contemplated whether he actually _should_ save the princess. Peach had a bad habit of being captured by the Dark Lord Ganonmort, who had a serious crush on the blonde. It was at the point where it was like, take a hint, dude. She's just not that into you.

Ultimately, though, Zelda had his own problems. His girlfriend, Majora, had broken up with him recently and Zelda didn't have a clue why. She'd told him it wasn't him, it was her and then danced off into the sunset. Like, rude?

Zelda was trying to think of a plan to win her back.

So far, he'd stopped shaving. Majora would dig a beard. Probably.

Peach would just have to wait. Maybe she could save herself for once. Isn't that something woman wanted now? To save themselves and prove they didn't need no man to rescue them? So, really, Zelda was doing her a favour. Peach should probably thank him. He made a mental note to remind her later.

For now, he figured his best bet was to go to Majora's usual spot; the exclusive Milk Bar. Problem was, to get inside you needed to be a member and Zelda had traded his mask for a slingshot.

The slingshot hadn't proved particularly useful in fending off the seven foot spider he'd needed it for. It now lay abandoned in a chest in the corner of his treehouse. He'd had to crawl through a tree trunk to find a bloody sword instead.

Goddamnit… He wanted his cow mask back.

Enraged, he stormed over to the chest and angrily threw it open. The blasted slingshot was still there, mocking him. Zelda picked it up. Mildew had better still have the mask, what did an annoying three foot, forest man-child want with a bar membership anyway? It's not like he could get served. Everyone thought he was a child.

"Oi, Mildew!" Zelda hollered as he approached his treehouse. "I want my fucking mask back!"

Mildew poked his head out of the window. "No take backs," he shouted. "I need that mask."

"What the heck for?" Zelda demanded.

"Sara's into it, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, _gross_!" Zelda shuddered as he thought about his green haired ex fucking Mildew in a cow mask. He'd known Sara had weird kinks but this was all a bit too much.

He turned his attention back to the head poking out of the window. "Look, man," he said, "I really need my mask back. What's it gonna cost?" He thought about it for a moment and then added, "No weird stuff! I already told you I'm not into that!"

Mildew pouted and grumbled under his breath, "You were into it that one time…"

Zelda made a conscious effort not to think about that one time.

"Can't I at least borrow the mask?" Zelda begged pathetically. "You do owe me, dude."

Mildew thought about it. "How long for?"

"Just tonight. Promise." Mildew couldn't see the fingers crossed behind his back. He sighed and nodded.

Sucker.


	3. Chapter 3

Donning the cow mask, Zelda knocked on the door to the Milk Bar. The peephole slid open, closing again seconds later after verifying that it was a member knocking.

When Zelda opened the door, whoever had peeked at him moments before had vanished. He shrugged and made his way down the stairs and into the basement bar.

The first thing he noticed was that Majora wasn't there. That was a pain. Still, the night was young and she was probably still busy making herself even more beautiful that she already was. And Majora really was beautiful. Zelda had never seen beauty quite like hers.

The second thing Zelda noticed was that the bar was virtually empty. A fat fish-man stood bopping in the corner by the stage, desperately trying to get Zelda's attention. From behind the bar, Mario possibly smiled at Zelda (it was hard to tell with the giant moustache). In front of him, Luigi nursed a cup of milk, grouchy asshole as always.

And, leaving the toilets was a being of such beauty that Zelda's jaw nearly hit the dirty floor.

The guy was a fish-man. He was tall and strapping, with pecks that put Zelda's own to shame. He possibly had a shark for a head but Zelda couldn't be too sure as he was far more distracted by his pearly white smile and the fact that his teeth actually twinkled like stars.

He wore very little clothing but what _did_ cover him suggested royalty.

Basically, he was gorgeous.

And rich, probably.

...What was Zelda doing here again?

In a trance he wandered over to the giant fish-man, adjusting his man bun as he walked. It huffed indignantly but Zelda wouldn't tolerate any of its 'Hey, listen!' bullshit today and it knew it. Stupid sentient hair…

"Hey there," he said, his voice coming out weirdly deep. He cleared his throat before trying again. "Haven't seen you here before."

The fish-man gave him a twinkling smile. "I've just arrived in town."

"Business or pleasure?"

The giant eyed Zelda up and down slowly, like he was undressing him with his eyes. Zelda gulped audibly.

"Both," he decided finally. Zelda liked the sound of that.

"And you just happened to be a member here?" Zelda kept his tone light, teasing.

"I'm friends with him," the giant nodded his head over to the bopping fish-man by the stage. "He got me in."

Zelda decided he'd humour whatever it was the dude wanted from him later, as thanks.

"I'm Sidon," the giant extended a hand and Zelda all but squealed.

"Zelda," he said.

"That name rings a bell." Sidon almost blinded Zelda with his sparkling smile.

Zelda shrugged nonchalantly. "Just the hero of Hirule," he said quietly. If possible, Sidon's smile grew even brighter. Zelda wondered if he should fish his sunglasses out of his pocket.

"Well, it's very nice to meet you hero of Hirule. Let me buy you a drink?"

" _Hey listen. We have better things to do you piece of shit!"_

"Fuck off Navi," Zelda hissed, flicking his damn man bun. Louder he said, "That sounds awesome! There's nothing I like better than a glass of creamy milk."


	4. Chapter 4

When Zelda didn't return Mildew's mask, the little dude hunted him down brandishing a gun. Zelda had spotted him through the window of his treehouse and had climbed out of the window before the guy could kick down the door. He cackled away to himself as he made his way to Castle Town.

On the way, he bumped into the postman. They were bros, and ran together a lot. Zelda had a better six-pack though.

"How's it going, mate? I got any post?"

The dude frowned. "None for you," he said. "Navi got something though." He rooted through his bag for the letter.

Zelda scowled. So his man bun was getting post but he wasn't. What a load of crap.

"What's it say?" He asked his man bun, but the usually talkative hair was being oddly quiet. "Dude," he complained.

"Hey listen," said Navi, "It's none of your goddamn business."

Well fuck you, too, Navi.

With a fist bump, the two bros parted ways and Zelda continued on his way to the market. There was a small hipster cafe that he liked to frequent there. It was the only place he could get his avocado and egg on toast.

When he entered, however, his heart dropped.

Majora was inside.

Sitting at _their_ table.

She looked just as beautiful as ever. Flawless and curvy and dressed in purples, yellows and reds and greens that all seemed to compliment each other rather than be an eyesore.

She looked up at the sound of the door and smiled.

It was the most beautiful smile in the world.

Zelda felt himself turning into a puddle on the ground.

"You grew a beard," she said. She noticed. Holy shit! She actually noticed.

Zelda shrugged nonchalantly. He tried to pretend seeing his ex didn't make his stomach turn with butterflies.

"Want to sit?" She asked in that musical voice of hers. Zelda was unable to do anything other than nod. When he tried to sit, he missed the seat and fell on the floor. Goddamn, why did he turn into a bumbling idiot around her? He was a hero, damnit! He was meant to be smooth AF.

He'd never had this problem around Peach.

"How've you been?" Majora asked as Zelda finally managed to sit.

"Good," he said too quickly. He mustn't let her know how much he missed her. "Been keeping busy, y'know? Joined Tinder and pinterest."

"Those things are related?"

Zelda flushed and changed the subject. "What about you? Spill the tea."

"I'm seeing someone." Ouch. No beating around the bush or anything.

"Oh really?" Was his voice usually that high? "That's good."

"Thank you. It's going well."

"Who is it?" He was still squealing, failing to keep his pitch normal.

"I'd rather not say yet if it's all the same."

"Sure!" Zelda made a mental note to stalk Majora until he found out who it was.

"Have you been on any dates?"

"Yup!" He lied. "And I have another one tonight." Another lie.

Majora's lips curled, as if she could see straight through him. "Well isn't that wonderful. I'm so happy for you."

Zelda glanced at the clock, hoping to god that Sidon would be in the milk bar again tonight. He had to get himself a date!


End file.
